In this guide, the Dating and
Relationships content discussed
focuses on traditional
male/female relationships. For
supplemental material and
resources with regards to
significant others in same-
gender relationships, simply key
in words or phrases pertaining
to the information you seek into
your favorite search engine
directory.
This guide presents an overall
look at the basics of
relationships and dating, both
in the real world and online.
Since the latest reports show
that nearly everyone can learn
the most important social skills
needed for relationship
building, this guide focuses on
the ABC’s of Healthy
Relationships. And so that you
can be alerted to possible
problem areas, the ABC’s of
unhealthy relationships is also
covered.
For help, support, a shoulder to
cry on, for fun and to meet new
people and interact with others,
sections follow that offer
support groups, organizations,
programs, tips, self-help and
other resources.
Since Dating and Relationships
are such a large, important part
of everyday life, this ebook
strives to help clear up myths
from facts and present an
overview of surrounding issues.
It includes information along
with a variety of helpful tips
and resources available based
upon the most recent studies,
research, reports, articles,
findings, products and services
available, so that you can learn
more about Dating and
Relationships.
Note that the contents here are
not presented from a medical
practitioner, and that any and
all health care planning should
be made under the guidance of
your own medical and health
practitioners. The content
within only presents an overview
of Dating and Relationships
research for educational
purposes and does not replace
medical advice from a
professional physician.
Back to Basics
Let’s take a peak at some of the
more common concepts above
“love” relationships and see if
they are myths or based upon
reality.
“All we need is love.” Myth or
not? Since love does seem to be
able to overcome anything and
everything, at least on
television and at the movies,
this seems like a reality.
However, truth is, making
relationships work takes skill
and hard work, regardless of the
“love” factor. This is a myth
here.
Just like in fairy tales, once
true love is found, people live
happily ever after. Truth or
myth? Granted couples can look
into each other’s eyes and have
those warm fuzzy feelings.
However, truth is, all couples
will have their ups and downs.
“Happily ever after” seems to
imply a perfect, problem-less
relationship when in reality,
those don’t exist.
It has to be “love at first
sight” in order to work
long-term. Myth or truth? While
this can be true for some, it
certainly doesn’t have to be for
all couples in long-term
relationships. Many people grow
together over time.
Since practically anyone can
learn the nuts and bolts of
relationship building, focusing
on some basic techniques that
can be learned is a must. The
main ones, in no particular
order, are:
Read: “Read” people well.
Rapport: Develop rapport with
others well.
Finesse: Have some finesse; i.e.
handle conversations and
activities in a cordial manner.
Conflict Resolution: Resolve
negative issues and conflicts
without too much friction.
Support Co-Op: Gain the support
and cooperation in working
towards a common goal.
Let’s take a little closer look
at each and what learning is
involved.
READING PEOPLE: BODY LANGUAGE
BRIEFING
Body language is the meaning
behind the words or the
“unspoken” language.
Surprisingly, studies show that
only up to an estimated 10
percent of our communication is
verbal. The majority of the rest
of communication is unspoken.
This
unspoken language isn’t rocket
science. However, there are some
generalizations or basic
interpretations that can be
applied to help with the
understanding or translating of
these unspoken meanings. Here
are some basics below.
Smile – People like warm smiles.
Think of a heartfelt warm-fussy,
maybe your favorite pet, and
smile.
Eyes - -If you don’t look
someone in the eyes while
speaking, this can be
interpreted as dishonesty or
hiding something. Likewise,
shifting eye movement or rapid
changing of focus/direction can
translate similarly. If more
than one person is present in a
group, look each person in the
eye as you speak, slowly turning
to face the next person and
acknowledge him or her with eye
contact as well. Continue on so
that each person has felt your
warm, trusting glance. Some
suggest beginning with one
person and moving clockwise
around the group so that no one
is missed, and so that you are
not darting around, seemingly
glaring at people.
Attention Span / Attitude –
Other people can tell what type
attitude you have by your
attention span. If you quickly
lose focus of the other person
and what is being said, and if
your attention span wanders,
this shows through and makes you
seem disinterested, bored,
possibly even uncaring.
Attention Direction – If you sit
or stand so that you are
blocking another in the party,
say someone is behind you, this
can be interpreted as rude or
thoughtless. So be sure to turn
so that everyone is included in
the conversation or angle of
view, or turn gently, at ease
and slowly, while talking, so
that everyone is incorporated,
recognized and involved in the
conversation. Again some suggest
the clockwise movement when
working a group.
Arms Folded / Legs Crossed– This
can be seen as defensive or an
end to the conversation. So have
arms hang freely or hold a glass
of water, a business card or
note taking instruments while
communicating with others. Be
open with open arms. Note: If
you need to cross legs, cross at
your ankles and not your knees.
Sitting tightly folded up says
that you are closed to
communications.
Head Shaking – This is fairly
accurate. If people are shaking
their heads while you speak,
they are in agreement. If they
are shaking, “no,” disagreement
reigns in their minds.
Space / Distance – On the whole,
people like their own personal
body space. Give people room and
keep out of their space.
Entering to close can be
intrusive and viewed as
aggressive.
Leaning – Sitting or standing,
leaning is viewed as interest.
In other words, an interested
listener leans toward the
speaker.
Note others’ body language –
While you are with others, note
how their bodies read. If a
person suddenly folds his arms
across his chest and begins
shaking his head “no,” you’ve
probably lost him. Might try
taking a step back and picking
up where the conversation began
this turn for the negative and
regroup. It’s all about
strategic planning!
DEVELOPING RAPPORT
Now let’s take a quick peak at
the basics of developing rapport
with others. In a nutshell, what
it takes is to ask questions,
have a positive, open attitude,
encourage an open exchange of
communications (both verbal and
unspoken), listen to verbal and
unspoken communications and
share positive feedback. Here
are a few details on each step.
Ask Questions – Building report
is similar to interviewing
someone for a job opening or it
can be like a reporter seek-for
information for an article.
Relax and get to know the other
person with a goal of finding
common ground or things of
interest. You can begin by
simply commenting on the other
person’s choice of attire, if in
person, or about their computer,
if online, and following up with
related questions. For example,
in person, you could compliment
the other
person on their color choice and
or maybe a pin, ring or other
piece of jewelry and ask where
it came from. In online
communications, you could
compliment the other person’s
font, smile faces or whatever
they use, mention that the
communication style seems
relaxed and ask if he or she
writes a lot. Then basically
follow up, steering clear of
topics that could entice or
cause arguing, while gradually
leading the person to common
ground you’d like to discuss.
Attitude – have a positive
attitude and leave social labels
at home (or in a drawer, if
you’re at home). Many people can
tell instantly if you have a
negative attitude or if you feel
superior. So treat other people
as you would like to be treated.
And give each person a chance.
Open Exchange – Do encourage
others to share with you. Some
people are shy, scared or
inexperienced in communicating
and welcome an opportunity to
share. So both with body
language and verbal
communication invite an
exchange. Face the other person
with your arms open, eyes
looking into theirs gently (not
glaring or staring), and
encourage a conversation with a
warm smile.
Listen – Be an active listener.
Don’t focus your thoughts on
what YOU will say next. Listen
to what the other person is
saying and take your clues from
there, while also noting the
body language. For example, if
the other person folds his arms
and sounds upset, you may need
to change the subject or let him
have some space and distance;
maybe even try approaching him
later on and excusing yourself
to go make a phone call (of head
to the buffet table or somewhere
to escape). On the other hand,
if the other person is leaning
towards you, following your
every word and communicating
with your as if you were old
friends, BINGO. You’ve built
rapport!
Share – People like compliments.
So hand them out freely without
over doing it. Leaving a nice
part of yourself like a
compliment is a good memory for
the other person to recall -
-numerous times. That’s good
rapport. But do be sincere!
False compliments aren’t easily
disguised.
FUNDAMENTALS OF FINESSE
Basically using finesse in
handling relationships means use
subtle skill, tact or diplomacy
when handling a situation. This
doesn’t mean you need to use
fancy, flowery phrases or
lengthy 10-letter words or
anything. It means focusing on
the positive in a friendly way,
and not embarrassing the other
person.
For instance, finesse means not
telling a host that he or she
has body odor or that his or her
house is looks and smells like
a trash dump. Instead, it means
politely excusing yourself upon
entering, and informing the host
of an unplanned meeting that
came up or family member who
dropped by unexpectedly, and
that you wanted to drop by for a
quick “Hello” to thank the host
for the invitation before
rushing off to your appointment.
Keep things simple here, smile
and think, “James Bond” with
that English gentleman concept.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
How do you handle conflicts? If
you can put your ego aside
pretty much and try to keep
friction to a minimum, your
relationships should move along
fairly smoothly. Where you feel
disagreement, if you can “agree”
to disagree on certain things
with the other party involved,
that will help, too. In short,
conflict resolution means to
pretty much deal with others as
you would want them to deal with
you.
For example, let’s look at
fictitious John and Mary, out on
their first date at a
restaurant. A drunk man passes
by their table and accidentally
spills Mary’s glass of water.
John gets upset and says
something along the lines of,
“That makes me mad! I hate
drunks. They should all be put
in jail.”
Mary, on the other hand, who has
an alcoholic father (unknown as
this point to John), may feel
embarrassed and
saddened by John’s revelation
and get quiet, giving only brief
“yes” or “no” answers from that
point on.
Hopefully, John picks up on
this. He can use finesse and
conflict resolution and say,
“Mary, I’m sorry for my outburst
and really didn’t mean that.
Actually, a drunk driver caused
an accident that I read about
recently, and I’d really like to
learn about alcoholism and
understand it more.”
A statement like this could help
ease the conversation into a
more productive stage. Then
instead of having an argument
about social versus addictive
drinking and possibly ending or
breaking up the relationship
because of conflict, the
relationship between two people
could actually develop a little
farther along or deepen. And
John and Mary could both learn
more about each other and
broaden their perspectives in
the process.
SUPPORT CO-OP
Relationships may begin with
just two people, but more people
eventually become involved. Work
friends and associates, family
members, old school chums and
various other assorted persons
interact daily, so gaining the
support and cooperation in
working towards a common goal is
a plus in relationship building.
To put this into perspective, we
can look at John and Mary again.
If John gets along fine with
Mary, but can’t be in a room for
10 minutes with her dad or the
rest of her family and friends,
the relationship will probably
eventually bottom out; i.e. not
grow. However, if John can help
build some type of relationship
with them as Mary does, like
joining and participating in a
holiday meal celebration, that
is a plus and can help build and
grow a more solid relationship.
In summary, by learning to use
more of these “nuts and bolts”
of relationship building,
focusing on some of these basic
techniques can help build and
grow relationships. More can be
learned about each technique by
simply heading to the local
library or typing in the
technique into your favorite
search engine. Forget that, “You
can’t teach an old dog new
tricks,” saying. We’re not dogs.
And humans CAN learn – at any
age!
ABC’s of Healthy, Happy
Relationships
For Healthy, Happy
Relationships, here are some
basic guidelines for reference.
They are in alphabetical order
only, not order of importance.
Acceptance – Don’t try to change
someone. This is a must. If a
person really wants to change,
that person will need to be
motivated and take action.
Period. Also regarding
acceptance, accept limitations.
He is not Superman; you are not
Wonder woman. No one is perfect;
so do not expect perfection.
Accept the little flaws that
come with each person. You
accept theirs; they accept
yours. That’s life!
Bonding – Bonding with another
person generally does take time.
Communicate – talk, listen,
share the good and the bad, ask
questions, compliment instead of
nag or insult. In short be a
friend; make a friend. That is
healthy. If this bonding is
lacking, it may mean
professional help is needed
(like a counselor or therapist)
or it may be time to move on to
healthier relationships.
Communications – Be open to the
other person. Check judgmental
attitudes at the door. And give
chances. Be fair,
flexible and friendly. If and
when things get out of hand and
it is your fault, apologize and
ask forgiveness and move on.
Similarly, be acceptable to
apologies and grant forgiveness,
too. Life is too short to stay
focused on the negative too
long. No need to deny it; face
it, deal with it and move on
past it to improve and
strengthen your relationships.
Dependable – Be a friend; i.e.
be dependable. Things happen
from time to time and
cancellations are a part of
life. But on the whole, if you
say you’ll do something, do it.
Take responsibility for your own
actions.
Expectations – Movies, romance
novels and television shows
often portray life, especially
human relationships, very
differently than it is in the
real world – this is no secret.
How many people really always
look like movie stars, have zero
health ailments, endless income
without hardly ever going to
work, fabulous cars and homes,
friends and family who totally
adore them and come to their
beckon call, no long-term
problems because they all end so
quickly, etc.? And who can
battle serious issues like one
person having an affair with
someone else, and wrap the whole
storyline up in two hours? Get
real. Expect a little less than
the media portray and learn more
about humans by joining the real
world scenario.
Flexible - Keep a little mystery
in the relationship. Juggle your
schedule and invite the other
person to a surprise picnic or
walk at a local public park
area.
Goals - People usually have some
goals together over time.
Develop some together. Toss what
no longer works, what you
outgrew or what may no longer
seem important or is finished.
And then inherit or create new
goals. Working toward a common
cause like saving for an annual
vacation or a new garden area
can help people grow together.
Health – Take care of your own
health and encourage others,
too. Even in this day and age of
cable television with movies and
the Internet available 24 / 7,
it’s still amazing the number of
people out there who can’t “Just
say no” to unhealthy behaviors
like smoking and drug abuse.
Don’t be afraid to share your
healthy views and encourage
healthy choices and living.
Intimacy – Closeness with a
person takes time to develop.
And there’s more to intimacy
than physical contact. Intimacy
can mean a hug during a tough
time, a smile of encouragement
in the face of adversity and
compassion when you least feel
like giving. Don’t abuse or take
advantage or the other person.
And don’t let yourself be abused
or taken advantage of. Intimacy
takes commitment and sharing.
Just say no – You don’t always
have to be voiceless or agree
with someone in a relationship.
Be able to say, “No” and be an
individual, too.
Keep in Touch – Don’t let life
separate you too long. With
technology today, you can stay
in touch with cell phones and
email. No need to overdo it and
be obsessive and controlling,
but do stay in touch off and on
throughout the day with quick
“Hellos” and “How are things
going?”
Lemonade – Make lemonade out of
those relationship lemons. And
“yes” there will be some, since
life is not perfect! For
example, when your partner is
late and you miss a movie date
or restaurant reservation, don’t
make it a night of terror and
destroy what’s left when you
finally do get together. Do
something else instead, like
relax at home with a video and
scented candles, and order subs
(and lemonade!)
Make the Honeymoon Last –
Remember how your felt when you
first got together? Do those
little things that you did at
the beginning and make the
honeymoon last. Bring home fresh
flowers, shut off the
television, turn on some music
and dance with your mate,
compliment your mate, make dates
to go to places you used to
frequent (the old neighborhood
pizza
parlor, a local drive in, a
hotel you went to on your
honeymoon, etc.)
Nuts and Bolts – Don’t focus so
much on the “nuts and bolts” of
who said what, when, how often
and why they were wrong…. In
other words, sometimes during an
argument, try losing your memory
of who did what, when and how
many times in the past. Instead,
humble yourself, apologize for
having messed up and hug your
mate!
Open – Open windows when doors
close. If you feel you’ve been
pushed to the limit and don’t
want to try one more time, close
the door on that angle of the
issue. Take a walk, get some ice
cream and cool off (literally).
Then return relaxed and
refreshed, and open a window to
air differences.
Parental Issues - Even the best
of relationships deal with
someone’s past parental issues
from time to time. Counseling
can help, yes, but something out
of the blue can still trigger a
parental issue that someone
struggles to deal with
regardless of age, it seems. In
these cases, just realizing and
stating that it’s normal, may
never get resolved and is okay
to move on, can work wonders –
for both parties.
Quality – With hectic schedules,
quality time is important. So
even if you can only meet to
watch a 30-minute comedy
together every evening, make and
keep that date. You’ll
probably be especially glad you
did when times get tough and
have the wonderful memories to
help get you by.
Respect – Respect not only each
other, but each other’s
property, friendships, time, job
and …everything. Remember you
are sharing life together and
need to be courteous to one
another and all the affects you.
Sharing – Likewise share and
don’t be stingy. “You reap what
you sow,” and “You can’t take it
with you” when you die, as the
sayings go.
Trust – Healthy relationships
involve people who trust one
another. One person doesn’t get
involved in unhealthy risks with
a third party or lie to the
other. There is an open,
positive exchange of trust. So
if this is lacking, seek help
from a professional counselor,
if necessary, and see what’s
wrong.
Understanding – Happy, healthy
couples try to understand each
other even if it means joining a
self-help group, reading library
books about something foreign or
unknown, or taking time to
research and delve into an
issue. In other words, take time
to gain knowledge and wisdom
before jumping the gun on
something you may not really
understand.
Violence – Violence is not
welcome. Period. Don’t accept
it. Don’t dish it out. Anger
Management is not just a movie
term today. There really is help
out there if you or your mate
needs it.
Warning Signs – Healthy people
are generally alert to warning
signs of trouble and head them.
Denial isn’t part of their life.
X-Ray – Happy people in healthy
relationships generally don’t
look at each other as they look
at x-rays. They don’t see
close-ups of each flaw and
character make up. They learn to
look beyond the bare essentials
and see the whole person.
Youthful Attitude – A youthful
attitude can go far in
relationships. Old outlooks can
spawn resentment, skepticism and
other negative connotations. A
little dose of daily humor
(reading comics, watching or
listening to comedy, etc.) and
keeping in touch with youth
(church activities, neighborhood
/ social nonprofit functions and
events, etc.) can help maintain
a fresh, youthful outlook.
Zombie – Don’t go through life
like you’re a zombie! It’s not
up to your mate to fulfill your
life. You need to take charge
yourself!
ABC’s of Unhealthy, Sad
Relationships
Unhealthy, Sad Relationships
have some general notable
characteristics in common. Here
are some basic guidelines for
reference. They are in
alphabetical order only, not
order of importance.
Avoidance – Many people in
unhealthy relationships simply
avoid facing reality. There are
many reasons for this. For
instance, deep down inside, the
people involved may be trying to
make themselves appear superior.
Or perhaps they don’t want to
face the fact that their mates
really aren’t who they say they
are. For example, Person A might
cover up and make excuses for
his mate, Person B, who is
always late coming home from
work and almost always misses
family functions. Person A could
be trying to avoid reality and
make up excuses to cover up an
affair that Person B is involved
in so that it doesn’t destroy
their “perfect image” in
everyone’s eyes. Or Person A
could be avoiding the fact that
Person B is a workaholic.
Burnout – Although many can
carry out romance throughout
their entire relationships, the
actual honeymoon period does
have to end, in reality. And
those who can keep the “love”
fires burning, not 24 / 7 but
off and on regularly during
their relationship, have better
chances of healthier
relationships
than those who suffer burnout
and don’t know where to turn or
who turn to unhealthy solutions.
In short, every relationship has
its highs and lows. During the
low times, like maybe when one
person begins to feel
disillusioned with marriage, or
maybe trapped, tired, helpless,
depressed or let down, if this
person reaches out to unhealthy
alternatives, like getting a
fake substitution – maybe
seek-for another mate in secret,
getting “high,” or some other
negative behavior, once-healthy
relationships can suffer.
Instead, the couple needs to
face issues together; add some
new goals to the relationship,
do some fun things together
more, talk more, etc.
Compatibility Issues – Opposites
attract; or do they? Sure it’s
great to have some “spice” in
your life. But relationships are
about getting your needs met –
at least on some level. And
constant negativity can
certainly hinder intimacy. So
those who have a difficult time
focusing on what attracted them
to their mates in the first
place can suffer unhealthy, sad
relationships, constantly in
conflict over issues with which
they can’t agree.
Devotional Void – A lack of
commitment or ardent love can
make for unhappy relationships.
Being friends or roommates is
one thing. Being committed,
loving soul mates is another.
Being “in love” 24/7 doesn’t
necessarily have to be a
requirement, but being in a
“loving” committed relationship
can make the difference.
Enthusiasm Dwindles – If you
don’t add in some spice once in
awhile, you can get the same
old, same old. Couples caught up
in routines can lose that spark
of enthusiasm; i.e. zest of life
in their relationships if they
forget to be spontaneous once in
awhile or forget to flavor their
relationship with fun,
adventure, romance.
Forgiveness Void – No one is
perfect. Mistakes are a part of
life. Those unwilling or unable
to forgive, can pretty much
count on having more unhealthy
relationships over time.
Relationships based or growing
on anger, spite, disgust,
resentment or other negative
feelings associated with lack of
forgiveness are like wilted
flowers. They need tending to or
they’ll die.
Guise - Simulated relationships
or those under the guise of
having a solid, happy
relationship are not destined
for success, on the whole. Or
rather false is as false does,
as Forest Gump might say.
Pretending wears thin and
doesn’t last long.
Harm – Harmful thoughts, words
and actions can sure lead to
unhealthy relationships. An
occasional outbreak during a
stressful moment might be
considered normal like swearing;
i.e. if someone hasn’t been
raped, battered (or other sever
trauma has occurred) by the
other party. However, harmful,
violent actions such as those
and repeated verbal negativity
is abusive and not healthy in
relationships – or life.
Indulgence – Instant
gratification or indulgence of
unhealthy behaviors is a sign of
trouble. Grabbing chocolate to
satisfy a craving is one thing.
Grabbing illicit drugs or
another mate in secrecy is
another. Yielding to unhealthy
temptations and desires is a
pathway to unhealthy
relationships.
Just say yes – Not being able to
draw boundaries or sustain
limits is another possible path
to sad relationships. For
example, if one person in the
relationship has a difficult
time saying “No” and setting
limits, his or her mate could
always come in second, third or
forth - - rarely first in the
other person’s eyes and agenda.
And while it’s fine to take a
back seat once in awhile, people
make time for priorities and in
healthy relationships, both
parties feel and share the value
of being number one with one
another.
Kick the Dog – Kicking the dog,
not in a literal sense (although
that would be negative, too!) is
characteristic of unhealthy
relationships. For example, if a
person comes home angry and
passes this anger on to the dog
by kicking it, that is not a
healthy release of anger. The
unhealthier people are, the
unhealthier they generally deal
with stress. Help is available.
Lemons – Unhealthy relationships
often have at least one party
who can’t seem to make lemonade
out of life’s lemons. Maybe he
or she has the wrong recipe. Or
maybe the person is a bad cook.
But assistance is needed in this
department!
Management Mania – Remember the
“Odd Couple?” A super manager
personality can ruin an
otherwise healthy relationship.
Likewise a super sloth can wreak
one, too. A little give and take
is called for.
“Neverland” – Ever heard
something this in an argument,
“You never….?” Well trips to
Neverland are for Peter Pan.
Skip the “always” and “nevers”
in arguments and avoid unhealthy
relationship issues. It’s rare
that someone does or does not do
something 100 percent of the
time. Memories just seem to fail
during opportunistic, stressful
episodes sometimes (not always,
though!)
Ominous – Bad or ominous
feelings, an omen…a feeling deep
inside that tells you something
is wrong - this often
accompanies unhealthy
relationships.
Pressure – When one party
pressures (or forces) the other
to have sex, this is
characteristic of an unhealthy
relationship.
Questions – Part of
communicating is asking and
answering questions. If this
process causes problems, i.e.
even the simplest of questions
arouses anger, suspicions,
fighting, etc., this is a trait
often found with unhealthy
relationships. The party who has
difficulty answering questions
may be hiding something, dealing
with control issues or dealing
with substance abuse (or other).
Responds Inappropriately – Some
characteristics of unhealthy
relationships include playing
head games, trying to humiliate,
using threats, insults or
jealousy. These inappropriate
responses suggest unhealthy
environment between the couple.
Silence – Silence isn’t always
golden, as the saying goes. If
one person shuns or ignores the
other, outside of a solitary or
very brief occurrence, this can
reflect an unhealthy
relationship.
Treatment – If healthcare
treatments are being ignored or
stopped without the help of a
professional; for example, in
the case of stopping
anti-depressant medication after
a severe (negative) episode
(like suicide), this can signal
an unhealthy relationship.
People need to take care of
themselves and not leave
everything up to their mates in
relationships.
Untidy / Unkempt – When one or
both partners disregards
physical appearance for the
duration (long-term, not just
for a weekend), this signals an
unhealthy relationship. One or
both could be abusing
substances, for example, or
suffering depression.
Verbal Abuse /Violate – When one
or both partners use verbal
abuse and / or violate or cause
harm to the other’s person or
personal property, things or
friends, this can be a red flag
for an unhealthy relationship.
People should respect each other
and each other’s property,
things and friends. And verbal
abuse is not appropriate.
Weapons – Threatening a partner
with a weapon, even if it’s a
household (or other) item used
as a weapon is a sign of an
unhealthy relationship.
Xerox – A trait of an unhappy
relationship can be when a
person is copying another,
failing to be himself or
herself. Some personality
disorders are also characterized
by this trait that reportedly
shows up in a number of
unhealthy relationships. And
help is available.
Youthful Outlook / Emotions – An
energetic, youthful attitude
toward life is one thing.
Youthful expectations; i.e.
outlook,
and emotions can be
characteristic of unhealthy
partners. Growing couples need
maturity as they grow together
and face adult issues. Childish
displays of anger, hostility,
selfishness, etc., don’t have
much place in healthy, growing
partnerships.
Zero – Growing relationships
need a foundation. Zero to grow
on is difficult to multiply. Got
to start somewhere!
Dating & Relationship Resources
Support and help is available
for relationships in many forms.
And with the Internet, there is
now help available 24 hours a
day, seven days a week. Here are
some places to turn below.
Online Support
About.com/People – Popular
resource sections focus on
Dating Advice, Sexuality and
Spirituality, Seniors, Marriage,
Divorce, Honeymoon Getaways and
more. Surf categories for chat
rooms, forums and other online
communication / tools and
targeted support.
LoveTactics.com – sponsor of
About.com, well known for
Internet resources. This site
focuses on Lost Love, Dating,
Relationship and Commitment
areas. Site features articles
and consultation options.
Psychologytoday.com –
Relationships (left-hand column
category). Then choose from
dozen of relationship topics
that contain hundreds of
articles to view online. Need
help? Ask their therapist a
question for $19.95 online
(educational
purposes only – see your
healthcare provider for
therapist referrals and help.)
The site also shows therapists
available throughout the
different states for help
locating someone near you.
Sage-Hearts.com – Site presents
overview of various dating
services and shares a variety of
dating success stories and tips,
books, movies and poems section,
and top dating sites on the
Internet with ratings.
Mail / Phone Contacts
The American Association of Sex
Educators, Counselors and
Therapists (AASECT)
PO Box 5488 Richmond, VA
23220-0488
Phone: 804-644-3288
American Psychological
Association
750 First Street NE
Washington, DC 20002-4242
Telephone: 800-374-2721
Other
For other online and offline
recommendations, it may be safer
to go through a favorite
magazine site (like in
Psychology Today above) and
search contacts. Also check in
the Yellow Pages under listings
for Therapists, Psychologists,
Page 35
Psychoanalysts and Counselors.
Other methods of finding help
are to ask friends, relatives,
colleagues, church members or
clergy for assistance and
recommendations.
Books
The Relationship Rescue
Workbook, by Phillip C. McGraw;
Hyperion (October 4, 2000).
Communication Miracles for
Couples: Easy and Effective
Tools to Create More Love and
Less Conflict, by Jonathan
Robinson; Conari Press (June 1,
1997).
We Love Each Other, But...: A
Leading Couples Therapist Shares
the Simple Secrets That Will
Help Save Your Relationship, by
Ellen F. Wachtel; Golden Books
(February 1, 1999).
Dating & Relationship Tips
Enjoy the variety of dating and
relationship building tips that
follow. They are listed in no
particular order.
Show Off – If you have a great
body you’re trying to show off
and young physical appearance,
yet worry because you still seem
to have difficulty finding dates
and establishing relationships,
here are some pointers. Turn off
the “ME” focus. Others tend to
see that as boorish and think
you only care about yourself,
not others and certainly not
them. Instead, turn the focus on
outside interests that the other
person can relate to, even if it
has to be the weather. For help,
tune in to an online news source
like CNN or subscribe to a
national or other major
newspaper or magazine like
Newsweek or head to the public
library for the latest news
briefs. Online dating might be a
good outlet for you, to as it
generally offers a place to list
all your great physical
qualities as well as outside
interests and more, presenting a
more rounded dating candidate.
Then those who are VERY
interested in great abs,
youthful appeal, etc. will be
able to check you out. And those
who are interested in the other
interests can focus on those,
too.
Sit, Don’t Take a Stand –
Instead of voicing your opinions
over issues that you pretty well
know cause heated arguments,
don’t take a stand. Just sit
them out. There’s no shame in
passing up an argument. For
example, if you both call
yourselves “Christians,” yet one
of you firmly has a complete set
of rules and regulations about
what a “Christian” really is,
and doesn’t hesitate to voice
this, skip over conversations
about religion. If you have to,
simply say something along the
lines of, “This gets us too
heated, so let’s pass on if for
now and move on to something
else.” Agree that it’s okay to
disagree. Because it is!
Traditions – Keep up with some
old traditions from each family.
Alter some; create new ones. The
main thing here is to make
positive memories that you can
share and relive over and over,
especially during rough spots
when you can’t remember why you
are together. Traditions can be
like glue and bind you with a
common past.
Sex VS Love – Sex and love are
not the same thing. Learn the
difference and don’t measure
love by your hormones.
Negotiator – Forget “his” and
“hers” roles and who “should” do
what when…Learn to negotiate.
What works one day may not work
another when timing is off, kids
are on the run and disaster
strikes, for instance, when your
mother-in-law drops by
unexpectedly.
Love and Hate – Love your mate.
It is OK to strongly dislike (or
“maybe” hate) a behavior, like
cracking knuckles or biting
nails. But remember to love the
person.
Online (and Classified Ad)
Dating
The Internet is still pretty
safe overall, even for seniors,
according to research of various
Internet safety sites like
WiredSafety.org who estimated a
90 – 97 percent “terrific”
Internet. People are chatting
with one another, making
cyber-dates. However, there are
some general rules of Internet
etiquette or “netiquette” and
some precautions to take for
possible dangers lurking there.
Here are some pointers compiled
from several websites
experienced in cyber-dating
techniques and most tips work
for those who reply to
classified ads, too.
SAFETY TIPS
1. Do Not Give Out Personal
Information - Whether it’s via
email, online chat rooms,
message boards, in your personal
ad, etc., do not disclose your
personal information like your
complete name, address,
telephone number, work place,
etc. And use a third party email
address instead of one with your
domain or work domain, too, that
is easily traceable. For
example, instead of using joe@seniortimes.com
, set up an email account like
joe@yahoo.com or joe@hotmail.com
(search “free email accounts for
places like this). Preferred
dating sites offer email
forwarding so that members do
not see private information like
this. So if you are on one that
differs or makes you
uncomfortable, move along and
click elsewhere.
2. Do Not Lie - Be up front
about your age and appearance.
Better to not be caught in lies
later on or lead someone on
falsely.
3. Be Tactful and Leary - Do not
believe everything you read in
posts, in emails: in general
online. You could be chatting
with a child or someone faking
their sexual orientation. The
odds are that you will probably
encounter someone a tad
“undesirable” from time to time,
so try to use appropriate
replies, using tact, or ignore
the encounter, if it suits the
situation.
4. Use Caution in Sharing Images
- Whenever you think about
sharing a digital photo online,
keep in mind that it may be
possible for thousands to see it
on the Internet, not just one
person. Plus your photo can be
copied, altered with different
software out there today and
posted elsewhere. If you do use
your image, send one that shows
you with a warm smile, not a
frown.
5. Ask if Unsure - Go slow like
the tortoise in the race with
the hare and ask questions if
you are unsure how to proceed in
your contact and communications.
Contact the site owner or
webmaster (check for contact
info when you register), ask
trusted friends for helpful
resources, check with local
authorities. Remember that old
adage, “Better safe than sorry!”
6. Be careful if you decide to
meet for the first date.
Remember there is safety in
numbers, so meet in a public
place with other friends around.
7. Keep copies of communications
in a file so that you can show
friends or the law in case your
meeting or continued contact
takes a bad turn. And do report
any problems and cooperate with
authorities. They can get
information from your computer
and communications to aid in
tracking down culprits in some
cases. Don’t try to take matters
into your own hands and stalk
the culprit yourself, though. Be
safe.
8. Let men instigate online and
offline relationships. Men still
like to pursue. Online studies
show that this has proven safer,
too, with Internet dating. Men
should make the first email
move. And women should NOT reply
to men’s ads; let the men
pursue. (Sorry guys!)
9. So that you don’t appear
anxious or desperate or both,
generally wait for a day or
24-hour period before replying.
And forget about replying on
weekend and holidays, at least
at first, and being available
via instant messaging. This is
especially important for women
(double standards are still
around and even exist in the
Internet dating scene) – you
want to “appear” socially
active, confident – blah, blah,
blah, even if you are just home
washing your hair.
10. Don’t date someone who is
already married to someone else
– even if that person says he or
she is getting a divorce. Let
the divorce happen first.
Otherwise things could get ugly.
And you may even have to face
the spouse / ex-spouse and
children down the road. So think
of others, too, when even
considering someone who is not
single.
11. If after several emails or
letters you decide to talk on
the phone, keep the first call
short, around 10 minutes. Plan
to have to “rush” off. Your goal
is to hear the person’s voice
and talk a short while only, not
seeming over anxious.
12. Some gents do complain that
the ladies do not reply. So
ladies, reply! At least say,
“No, thank you.”
NETIQUETTE
Here are some general guidelines
to refer to in your online
communications.
Use respectful tones and
wording. Swear words and hurtful
remarks are not good for anyone.
If someone presses you, for
example, to share confidential
information that you shouldn’t,
just say, “No” and tell the site
monitors / webmaster of the
forum, chat room or online
dating site, if necessary.
Look for dating and other
resource websites that list
street addresses instead of post
office boxes or nothing at all.
Ask friends for referrals.
Try to avoid stretching the
truth about your
accomplishments, job title, etc.
Then if a relationship develops,
things will run much smoother.
Try to avoid many 1-word replies
and 1-sentence communications.
Take some time to develop your
thoughts and share in your
paragraphs. In short, be a
friend.
All capital letters mean
“shouting” and is difficult to
read at any length.
Take care and have fun with your
cyber-dating!
Lowdown on Long Lasting Love
Now it’s time to take a look at
the lowdown on how to handle
long lasting love. Here are some
pointers on how to deal with
some of the top issues that when
mishandled, can separate the men
from the boys, as they say, or
rather the successful couples
from the less-successful ones.
Conflict Management- The key
here is to realize that most
couples do not solve every
issue. In fact, reports show
that couples don’t solve most of
their problems. So if you think
your girlfriends or buddies are
winning more frequent battles
than you, forget about it. It’s
not happening.
Next realize that statistics
still reflect about a 50 percent
survival rate for married
couples long-term. (I.E. the
other half divorce). And for
those who do make it, it’s not
so much about whether or not
they “love” each other more than
the divorced people did. It’s
generally more about that fact
that they developed better
communication skills and learned
to understand each other better.
And developed and learning -
-these are action verbs.
As you develop and learn your
own job skills for advancement,
so can you and should you do the
same for relationship
advancement. There is no shame
in reaching out and improving in
this area. Tips for developing
better communication skills and
learning to understand your mate
better; i.e. improve conflict
management, are as follows:
1. Take turns speaking and
listening to each other. As a
speaker, speak only for yourself
and keep your comments brief.
The stop and invite the listener
to sum up what you said (to make
sure he or she understood).
2. Then allow the other person
to take over and follow the same
format.
Share back and forth in this
same manner, jotting down
conflict management notes as
needed for following up later
and establishing new boundaries
in your relationship.
Some tips for handling conflict
resolutions are:
Start with the person presenting
his or her complaint in a
general format, without blame.
For example, instead of saying,
“You keep leaving dirty dishes
out on the counter all night,”
say “I don’t like it when dirty
dishes are left out on
the counter. During my college
days, that attracted
cockroaches.”
Encourage each other to come to
an agreement in a calm, friendly
manner. Negotiate. Give and
take. Maybe the dishes from late
night snacks don’t have to be
washed with soap and hot water,
but can simply be rinsed off
instead and stacked in the
sink’s dishpan or strainer, for
instance.
If negativity starts, stop it
ASAP. In the above example,
maybe the mate wants all sinks
clear and free for emptying
coffee cups and other snack and
breakfast dishes. So this person
starts swearing, calling the
other person a lazy idiot or
something…STOP.
Calm things back down. Use hand
signals like coaches do in
sports, if necessary. Men can
often relate to this. Do a “time
out” mode. And take a breather
or break for a few minutes.
Then go back to where things
were fine, just before step “C.”
Inject some humor and try to
resolve the conflict again.
Maybe joke about how you pay
much more for your residence now
and don’t have cockroach
problems. And that OK, one sink
can be left clear, the other
will hold a strainer of
rinsed-off items. Any dirty ones
can be placed / stacked on one
side of the strainer; rinsed
items on the other. Done deal!
Money Management – Some
counselors say that money
handling is the number one
priority issue of conflict among
couples. Problems arise with how
money is viewed, how it should
be save, spent and even earned.
So here are some general
guidelines to money management
to help iron out some financial
issues for couples.
1. Decide to set aside some time
for discussing your financial
matters in peace and quiet.
Doing this quarterly (or
monthly, if time and patience
allow) is a good idea. Then you
can make sure your budget is on
track and allow a glance ahead
at possible items coming up that
may have been missed (like
renewal of driver’s licenses)
and look back to see how you are
doing.
2. Gather all of your budgeting
materials in one place; notebook
paper, 3-prong folder with
pockets for storing bills as
they arrive in the mail, stamps,
calculator, envelopes, check
book, savings book, pencil, pen.
When it’s time to work on your
finances, bring everything out
at once (maybe store in a
special drawer or box for handy
pick-up-and-go.)
3. On a sheet of notebook paper
(or a sheet from a budget
planning guidebook or software
print out), list each monthly
expense; rent / house payment,
each utility, charities /
tithing, grocery money, misc.
funds (to allow for medicines,
snacks, CD rental, etc.), car
payments, insurance, credit card
payments, etc. For guidelines,
there are several things you can
do; check with your local bank
for budget planning help, ask a
librarian for help finding
budget books, check your
computer’s software (Microsoft
Word has some business /
budgeting sheets that could be
altered to fit your family
planning needs, for instance),
visit local office supply stores
to see which types of budget
planner notebooks and guide they
may have available, surf online
or use the following one
enclosed and revise it to suit
your needs. Hint: visit
www.digital-women.com/daily-planner
for lots of planner pages to
choose from (for men and women!)
4. Fill in the blanks on your
budget planner page. List how
much each monthly payment is in
#3 above. Then total the list to
see how much income you need to
cover all your expenses.
5. Note your incomes in a
separate column off to the side.
Does your income exceed your
expense total? If so, great.
Simply have fun choosing what
you’d like to both do with your
extra income, with long-term and
short-term goals that are
compatible with both of you. If
not, if income does not exceed
expenses, and this is the area
where discourse usually strikes,
it’s time to whittle down your
expenses and / or earn
extra income. Here are tips on
whittling down income and being
more budget-conscious with your
available funds:
Use coupons, even cyber-ones
like from www.valpak.com.
Check with your insurance about
higher deductibles and any
special rate savings programs
they may have (like good driving
discounts).
Visit second hand stores for
used books and clothing.
Donate time and volunteer work
instead of tithing money.
Buy no-name foods, toiletry and
household items (shampoos,
deodorants, light bulbs, etc.)
instead of brand names.
Cook at home more as
entertainment and invite your
neighbors and friends over. And
skip eating out so much, renting
CD / DVDs and going to movies.
Track and monitor your spending.
Jot purchases in a notebook and
keep handy with your checkbook
for quick reference. Review and
see how you do weekly. Improve!
Plan ahead. For example, save a
little each month for Christmas
so that in December, you’ll
already have what you
need for gifts already saved up.
Likewise for annual insurance
billings (like for the house) or
for any other annual billings.
See if you can trade services
with others. For example, if you
have a computer and can toss up
a decent web page maybe you can
create web pages for small
business in the area in exchange
for gift cards to use in their
stores.
Sell some of your stuff – try
online auctions, garage sales,
cheap classifieds, bulletin
boards around town…
Resist the urge to “immediately”
fulfill a want. Instead, keep a
list going of “wants.” If an
item has been on there for a
year, for example, then begin
shopping for it. Look for
bargains, try to trade for it,
negotiate for a better deal.
Waiting generally means you’ll
really want it more (or not, and
cross it off your list) and will
actually USE it when you get it
and not just toss it in a pile
with other unopened or hardly
used things that you just HAD to
have.
Check out library books like:
The Cheapskate Monthly Money
Makeover, by Mary Hunt; St.
Martin's Press; Reissue edition
(March 1, 1995).
Miserly Moms: Living on One
Income in a Two-Income Economy,
by Jonni McCoy; Bethany House
Publishers; 3rd edition (October
1, 2001).
The Complete Cheapskate: How to
Get Out of Debt, Stay Out, and
Break Free from Money Worries
Forever, by Mary E. Hunt, Mary
Hunt; St. Martin's Griffin; 1st
edition (August 1, 2003).
Self-Help Guide
Self-help to help your
relationship improve, here are
some exercises to take by
yourself and share with your
mate. Take them slow and steady,
at your own pace. Have fun with
them. (There are no grades!)
Instructions: Jot your replies
down on paper if you like or in
a private “couple’s” journal fur
future reference. Add to them,
modify them, edit them as you’d
like. The key is to have fun,
learn more about yourself, your
mate and your relationship
together, and grow.
Exercise A: List your three best
traits. Then list your mate’s
top three traits you admire.
Exercise B: List the top three
areas in your life that you
would like to work on improving.
These can be any range of things
from improving income to
education to giving more, losing
more weight, being less shy,
etc. Then list the top three
areas in your mate’s life that
you’d like to see improved.
Fill in the blanks, and then
have your mate reply to the same
questions. Take turns reading
your replies and learning more
about each other:
Regarding my appearance, I think
I am
A funny thing that happened to
me was
One place I would love to visit
is
If money was no object, I would
buy
A person who meant a lot to me
while I was growing up is
___________because
A major lesson I learned in life
is
If I could have any job in the
world, it would be
A hero of mine is (can be
fictional)
If a dream could come true, I’d
like
One way I’d like to give back
would be
On a personal note, here is
where I would like to be:
1 year from
now:___________________
3 years from now:
__________________
5 years from now:
___________________
As a couple, here is where I’d
like us to be:
1 year from
now:___________________
3 years from now:
__________________
5 years from now:
__________________
One things about you that makes
me smile is
I’ll always remember this about
you
Exercise: List what you feel is
good about your relationship.
Exercise: List what you feel
could use work / improvement in
your relationship.
Exercise: How could you help
improve your relationship? And
how do you think your partner
could help improve the
relationship?
Reply:
1. What is the best memory that
comes to mind about your mate?
2. What do you see in the future
for your relationship: Location?
Jobs? House? Pets? Children?
Travel?
3. What fun things would you
like to try and do with your
mate more (Ballroom dancing?
Gourmet cooking? Snow skiing?
Other?) When will you schedule
one of these new things?
In summary, since the latest
reports show that just about
anyone and everyone can learn
the important social skills
needed for relationship
building, use what you can of
this guide and its resources
mentioned to focus on your own
Healthy Relationships. Be alert
to possible problem areas, and
take action to improve your
life.
